I've always been a firm believer in taking chances. Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't; some say. I say they always pay off. No, sometimes it may not deliver the outcome we may be looking for, but unless you take the chance, you never truly had it.
The last six months have been nothing if not challenging.
August 23, 2012 I sent an email to inform the company I was working for that I, for several reasons, would no longer be holding my position within the company effective September 5, 2012. Now for those who were with me during the weeks leading up to this, know this was not an easy decision. I put so much of who and what I was into my job. I worked on and off the clock to make sure things started and continued to move in the right direction.
Things became too overwhelming. I sacrificed family moments, my dream and a lot of what I wanted for myself for my work. To be fair I was dealing with a lot of things outside of work as well; for quite some time. It came to a point where the fact of me simply pushing things aside to be dealt with at a later time, just wasn't an option. I dreaded going to work. I was on a constant emotional roller coaster. My spirit had become damaged.
I needed a break.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, that break wasn't an option. So literally one day I panicked. I was scared. Scared of what would happen if I kept this up.
Would I even recognize myself?
Would I throw away the dreams I had?
Had I put so much of myself into my work and into others that I had nothing left for me??
I didn't have many people to talk about this with. Some were frustrated with me for hanging on to something that obviously wasn't serving me anymore. Some were fascinated at the fact I could actually continue to accept such nonsense and some just simply didn't know how to understand me.
One did. After going through something similar herself, she understood.
She offered me a life saver when I felt like I was drowning.
Melodramatic? Maybe.
But that's exactly what I felt like. I was losing the girl I knew I was.
So I grabbed a hold, though my gut was screaming for me not to and threw all caution to the wind.
I started a new job, with a new company just 18 days later.
Talk about a whirlwind romance. More like a waltz with the devil. A mere few weeks after starting, I applied, interviewed and received a promotion of sorts. Went through multiple hours of training, trying to learn the culture of a company that had provided so much to me as one of their 'customers'.
I have never felt more robbed in my life.
Not only had I given up something I was good at, respected for and for the most part enjoyed; I had lost respect for myself for sinking to a level I swore I never would.
The cherry for the career choice sundae?
I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the services that attracted me to the company to begin with.
I have never in my life, let someone treat me the way I did during those 5 months.
I lost more then a part of myself, I lost my love of fitness.
My outlet for life's crap.
I had kept up my workout through everything. I didn't push myself so hard in a workout to simply drop a few pounds. I kept pushing myself until whatever it was that was on my mind, wasn't anymore. Myself and the Arc Trainer had quite the relationship. Whatever I was dealing with, it was always there, ready for whatever I abuse I dished out. Earbuds in; machine on and away I went. Sometimes I needed 15 minutes, sometimes it was an hour and a half. Sometimes I lip synced away with the music, sometimes there were tears streaming down my cheeks. But when I got off that Arc Trainer, I ALWAYS felt better.
Was I obsessed? Yeah a little. Who wouldn't be addicted to the one thing that promised to make them forget the shit?? I could've turned to worse avenues, a lot worse.
Now; almost 7 months later, I'm back to the company I left. Without my outlet.
The part that kills me?
No, not that I went back to something I left with good reason.
No, not the fact the chance I took didn't work out.
No, not even the fact I'm still not quite where I want to be in life and my career.
The fact I let them rob me of my passion.
And it's just that. I let it happen.
I need to find the strength to get it back.
I don't need it like I used to. I approached my position with a different perspective this time. Taking with me the lessons I learned from the last go around.
Things are going great, but I miss my workouts terribly.
They became so much a part of me during those months of stress relief that now without them, it feels like I'm missing something vital.
I made a vow to myself today. That I would get that part of myself back.
That I would take back what I allowed them to take from me.
"Do you think that anybody can damage your soul?
Then why are you so embarrassed?
I laugh at those who think they can damage me.
They do not know who I am,
they do not know what I think,
they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live." - Epictetus
-T-
