As I Lay Awake . . . {12/365}

As I lay here; my boy snoring softly beside me, I think about the upcoming week. 

The week of new beginnings. 

Fresh starts. 

The week I get yet more test results back. 

It's scary. 

I'm prepared for it this time though. 

Prepared for the ugly word. 

Prepared for the overwhelming feelings. 

What a lie. 

Can one ever really be prepared for such a thing?

I'm not. 

Not really. 

I won't be as absolutely frozen as the last time. 

But in no way am I prepared to hear that more of this ugly disease has invaded my otherwise healthy body. 

I have too many things to accomplish. 

Thanks to the last 6 months I've adopted a "wait for nothing" mentality. 

I have always wanted to attend university. 

I did the college route. 

Wasn't the same. 

It didn't give the same satisfaction. 

Although it was time well spent. 

I've always wanted to drive. 

To own a house. 

A new car. 

Just to name a few of the bucket list items. 

Monday begins the first day of my university journey; primary education. 

Only those who know me best would know that this isn't something I pulled from thin air. 

8 days from now I start driving school. 

Tuesday I head back to work full time. 

That house will be ours. 

Merry Christmas 2014 to us. 

2014 will be a year of big things. 

Great things.

It will be our year. 

The year we grab life by the horns and start living. 

Because if this journey is teaching me anything; it's that life is precious. 

Time is precious.

It is something I will never waste again. 

On waiting for the 'right time'; there will never be a better time then now. 

On waiting for someone to care; to show any more interest in your life other then what they can get from me.  

I'm through waiting. 

I'm through being used. 

I'm through making someone else a priority in my life when I will never be one in theirs. 

Want my help?

Want a favor?

Then be prepared to be involved. 

In my life.

Don't like those terms?

Ask someone else. 

I surely don't mind. 

It's your loss; not mine. 

Just remember when I say no; it's because of you - not me. 

I will focus my attention on those I love; those who matter and make me feel as I too matter. 

I will focus on us. 

On living out our dreams. 

Making sure each and every one becomes reality. 

I will focus on him. 

Of making sure he knows that I'll always be here. 

That unlike everyone else; I will never become too busy. 

Too caught up in frivolous things that he feels like a burden. 

I will focus on enjoying life more then the pay check. 

There will always be an opportunity to make money, to save money, but there won't always be a chance to live. 

To enjoy each other the way we can today. 

To live today. 

As tomorrow comes; today is lost to us forever. 

I want to exchange today for something great. 

Memories with him, family and friends. 

Moments to be cherished. 

So as I lay here listening to him sleep, I plan. 

For tomorrow, next week, this month and the eleven that will follow. 

Call me over achiever. 

Call me crazy. 

But I'll look back on my life with a smile on my face and no regrets; will you? 

"Live to win; dare to fail"

-T- 

Goodbye 2013 . . . . {11/365}

Goodbye 2013.

A year filled with changes.

Some good; some bad.

All important.

January seen me changing career paths.

A contract pulled early.

The beginning of something big - I had yet to realize.

February seen me taking a step back - literally.

Back to an old job; slightly old habits.

A realization that I had made the right decision.

March.

March allowed us a break.

To allow the wheels begin their motion.

April.

Oh April.

It brought a wedding; for two people we've all been waiting to finally tie the knot!

It also brought the start of a very quick, terminal illness to my extended family.

May.

May brought the end.

The end of a life stolen way too soon.

It was hell; a pure living hell - watching a man disappear in front of your very eyes.

It also brought with it a clearer vision of what I wanted or rather didn't want for my life.

June.

Brought with it another career change.

I ended my time with a company I had once enjoyed.

To instead pursue a dream.

A dream of taking photographs.

Of preserving the moments in life that can be so easily forgotten.

A dream of working for myself.

It closed out with me receiving news of another kind - the lump in my neck had grown and was now joined by two small spots.

Surgery was now a reality; no longer just a possibility.

July.

The middle of a Summer I decided to spend with the man of my dreams.

To dedicate simply to us.

To do nothing, but awake each morning and spend the day together.

Doing everything or nothing.

Didn't matter.

We were together.

We weren't living for the almighty dollar; we were enjoying each other and learning what truly mattered in life.

Each other.

August.

The summer of us continues.

 Surgery to be booked.

September.

Surgery #1.

Tests, doctors appointments and checkups start to fill my days.

I go under the knife - all is well.

I come home and start to put things behind me.

October.

Some karmic god had other plans.

News of the Cancer comes.

I start to question most things in my life.

Most things; not him.

No.

He is my rock.

My anchor.

November.

November brings with it more appointments.

More tests.

A date for surgery #2.

Then a delay - a nasty chest infection.

December.

December brought surgery #2.

Fear . . . {10/365}

We all live our lives with fear.

Be it spiders; mice; heights; small spaces - just to name a few.

I never knew true; absolute fear until very recently.

When sitting in a doctors office receiving news that a test result showed several nodules on my lungs.

It didn't sink in right away.

I tried to focus on the positive things.

But two days ago; I felt pressure on my chest.

It was hard to catch a deep breath.

The fear hit me like a ton of bricks.

I kept busy.

It's almost Christmas; I took on as much as possible.

Doing so many things for others.

In part, for my own selfish reasons.

To hide the truest of facts:

I'm terrified.

Absolutely terrified.

Not of being sick.

But of being robbed of a life I have just barely started to live.

About not waking up and looking in his eyes again.

Never walking down the aisle on my way to becoming his wife.

Never holding a precious new life in my arms as they scream their first breath.

Never again simply being curled up on the couch with him on a cold winters day.

Never again sharing a laugh at the simplest of this things until our sides hurt.

8 years.

Over the course of those 8 years we have become each others world.

Inseperable.

Where one doesn't begin and end; just exist together.

It works for us.

It hasn't always been easy.

We've struggled with things; we are human.

But through it all we just grew stronger.

We've stood by each other, when at times it seemed like the world was against us.

When one of us would make a decision, the other was 110% on board.

We didn't necessarily agree on everything, but we supported each other through it regardless.

We are each others strongest ally; cheerleader; supporter; muse; sounding board; best friend and rock.

When everyone and the world had become too busy; we've had each other.

Together we can get through anything.

 So when the words of my doctor finally sank in, my first thoughts were of him.

Not me.

Him.

He restores my determination simply by existing.

I looked at him last night and began to think.

I have to remain positive.

I have to beat this.

Whatever it turns out to be.

Because I can't lose a future that consists of this man.

A future that will, without a doubt, be amazing.

So I keep my tears for when he's not home.

As I type these words; they flow.

Some times my whole body will vibrate with sobs; I take a break; compose and type.

Because here is my outlet.

Here I can let it all out and not have to worry about burdening anyone.

Here I can cry a river and feel like I'm not drowning.

For us; I'll beat this unknown.

I'll win the fight against whatever has decided to invade my body.

For us.

"All my life; All my love; All for you."

"You are the reason I became stronger, but still you are my weakness."

-T-

I'm Gonna Love You Through It . . . . . . . {9/365}

Because it hits home . . .

When life as you know it ends . . . {8/365}

4:22PM.

October 22, 2013.

The phone rang.

ENT Consultants it read.

The call we had been waiting for.

The call I'll never forget; if I live to be 100.

"I apologize for not calling yesterday, I still hadn't received the reports . . .

. . . there was cancer . . ."

I listened to the rest of what he said.

I couldn't call it a conversation; that would have required verbal participation on my part.

I had no words.

Across from me sat a man trying to read my face; gage my reaction.

Apparently I gave it all away.

I ended the call after receiving yet another apology for the having to deliver bad news.

I simply sat.

28 years old.

I had cancer.

No.  This simply didn't make sense.

I was healthy.

All levels were perfect.

I was numb.

There was no way to wrap my mind around this.

We sat in each others arms and let the tears fall.

There were no words spoken.

There were no words period.

I now had to tell my mother that her only child, of just 28, had cancer.

Just 24 hours after she had been at the hospital with chest pains, where she was told to avoid stress.

How does one cushion that blow?

 I couldn't.

So I picked up that phone.
The words just flowed.
As did her response: "No . . . oh my god no . . "

My response to those who wanted to come over was that I wanted a few hours to process the news.
A few hours I thought would be enough.
The hours and days that followed weren't enough.
Not nearly.
 I started to think an entire lifetime wouldn't be enough.

This word.
This disease.
It had attacked our family so many times.
But the sensation when it's you.
There are no words to describe it.

Life as we knew it had ended.

"You never how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"

-T-
 

 

I just want to see you be brave . . . {7/365}

Invaluable . . . {6/365}

I believe we all have moments in our life in which it hits us as to how vulnerable we really are.

We're human.  Not invincible.  Fragile.

 

I had mine.

I had neck surgery 13 days ago.

It was an experience that made me reflect on things a little more clearly.

 

I'm a realist with a side order of optimism so I went into this knowing the surgery was necessary.

There was no avoiding it.

So I held my head up, plastered on a smile and went on about my day.

 

News of the pending procedure wasn't something I shared with many.

I didn't want the attention.  I'm so totally not an attention seeker.
I also, truly, didn't want to talk about it.
The decision was made.

I just wanted it to be behind me so I could get on with my life.

But some things could not be avoided.

 

Someone needed to know what my wishes would be if something were to go terribly wrong.

Did I want to be an organ donor they asked.

Would I be okay with a blood transfusion if need be?

 

I had no idea.

 

I'm 28 and healthy.

These are not things I had given much serious thought to.

I just didn't see the need.
And now I had no time to think; they all just wanted answers.

I got through it all with my boy by my side.
He was terrified and I refused to let mine show as to not make his fear worse.
I kept my brave face on until they strapped me to the operating table.
Then the tears flowed.
I couldn't leave them behind.
I needed to come out of this.
Once I woke up, I knew I could handle it from there.
I just needed to place my faith, trust and life in the hands of several incredible doctors.
I had never been so scared in my life.

And I woke up.
Everything hurt and I was nauseous.
But I woke up.

They gave me medication for the pain and nausea and the haze lifted.
I was awake.
I was alive.

I was never more relieved.
Pure ecstasy.
That's all I had prayed for.
It's all either of us had prayed for.

Upstairs I went to be greeted by the very relived faces of my boy, mom and grandma.

Determination kicked in.

I was going to get through this with flying colors.
I had seen my mom through so many things; I knew I had this.
I was the daughter of an ultimate fighter after all.

Less then 24 hours and I was sent home.

Things were stiff.
I was weak.
I was frustrated by my inability to move as I could be.
But I was alive and I was home.

I slept on the couch.
He slept on the floor next to me.
For 9 days.

I kept pushing myself.
Little by little.
I simply would not accept the lack of motion.

'It hasn't even been a week!'
'Let yourself heal'
'Don't be so stupid!!'
'Let me help you!'

I heard it all.
I pretended not too.

I knew my limitations.
I would just push a little more everyday.
Just enough so that the mobility came back without the need of the pain medication.
I hate medication.
I avoided it at all cost.

Within 5 days things had already started to heal over.
The stitches were stuck as a result.
How does one complain about healing too fast?

This girl didn't.

I continued to push.
A little every day.
I continued to eat whole foods.
Lots of water and juice too.
I was getting through this.

We're now at 13 days post op; there is little to no scarring and the bruising is almost completely gone.

I now sit awaiting the test results.
The results that will tell me if this is truly behind me or if this was truly just the beginning of my own personal health battle.

His fear is back.
Mine is not quite so strong this time.
After the past 13 days I have realized just how strong I am.
What I'm made of.
What I'm capable of.

Whatever those results bring; I know I'll come out the winner.
Because I'm the daughter of a fighter.
Because I have a man who loves me unconditionally.
Because I'm stronger then whatever those papers could hold.


'You never know how strong you are; until being strong is the only choice you have.'


-T-

 

 

 

Because I Dearly LOVE This Song . . {5/365}

Because I Love My Life . . . {4/365}

 

 

 

Rat Race . . . {3/365}

Bigger; better.

Today's mentality.

 

 

No one is ever happy with what they have anymore.

What happened to the anticipation of saving for something and the joy of the purchase when those pennies finally add up?

 

The saying "I work to live, not live to work" has taken on a whole new meaning.

Most, literally, work to buy things.  Constantly.

Because purchasing a new flat screen in a 32 inch is unheard of.

Now it's getting that 32 so you can move to a 40; then to a 50 and so on.

Gone is the enjoyment of simply having that flat screen.

 

How about a new car?

Has to be new.

Then when you get that brand new car; it's on to a second car.  Which also has to be new.

 

Let's not forget the things that don't even make sense for you to have.

But hey; Billy Bob & Joe have them so there must be a need.

 

Jesus.

No wonder the economy is the disaster it is.

 

Then we have those who are always worse off then you.

If you have a headache, they have a migraine.

 

You're stressed about work?

Jesus they have the same problem 'like everyday!'.

Bogged down with a family illness?

Consider yourself lucky they haven't died.

 

There's no empathy OR sympathy in this world anymore.

Just people who are so bitter they tend to want to drag others down as well.

 

Pessimistic?

Nah.

Realistic.

 

North America is currently under a pandemic.

I refer to it as the "Poor Me's"

Those effected will always have to be better then you or completely worse off.

 

I hate being around these people.

It brings out the absolute worst in me because I simply don't want to have a conversation.

Knowing how it will progress, where it will lead and how it will end - ugly and depressing.

Therefore leaving me to be seen as antisocial.

Which totally isn't the case at all.

 

I'm a pretty laid back person who hates drama in my life and does not react well when forced to be immersed in it.

I tend to not have a lot of acquaintances because let's face it - most girls are drama queens.

Always whining and complaining about something or other.

 

You're alive and able to make any decision or choice you can possible dream of - for frig sake just do it.

If you're unhappy - CHANGE!

 

I can't do it for you.

Nor would I even if I could.

It's your life.

If you want to waste it being a terrible person who whines and complains about stupid little details while others can only dream of having what you do then fine.

As I said; it's your life.

Just don't expect me to be a part of it.

 

Who can honestly sit and listen to sobs stories from someone who bitched about the very thing they're now crying over?

Save it.

Instead be grateful for the things you have while you have them.

 

You may think you have it so much worse then everyone, but trust me honey - there are a lot of folks out there that honestly have it worse then you and can still wake up every morning and smile.

 

That family member that is suffering an illness?

Enjoy them.

Every second.

For those seconds are ticking on by and you will miss it when they're gone.

But the thing is; you're the one who will have to live with the fact you didn't enjoy it.

Instead you probably bitched about how inconvenient it was having to deal with what they're going through.

 

I slept on the floor, next to a mother who was in her 30's battling breast cancer.

Going through surgeries, chemo and radiation.

Crying myself to sleep because I didn't know from one day to the next if she would be there.

I skipped a lot of high school classes those two years.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I never once complained about having to take on the household.

Never once complained about having to sleep on the floor.

Changing bandages or cleaning vomit - when normally the sight of either one would have my head in the toilet.

 

No because it wasn't my illness to beat.

She was the one going through it.

The school caught wind and offered me extra time for things.

I passed on it.

I didn't want to gain anything from her being sick.

It was my choice to stay home.

It was my choice to sit and talk or simply just be there as she slept.

 

Then it hit again.

Several years later.

Different kind of cancer; but back all the same.

Then a few weeks in; my dad collapses.

Meanwhile I'm in school full time and have a million things going on as it was.

Try living on a shoe string budget.

Not having the time to go back to work so living on student loans.

Listening to heart wrenching sobs on the phone and the fight starts to become too much for her to bare this time.

Trying to keep it together while you assure her, she's the strongest person you have ever known.

That she can very well beat this thing again and she would.

Hanging up the phone to cry myself.

Not knowing if what I was saying was true or not.

 

I still didn't complain.

Yea it was hard being an only child dealing with two ill parents and full time studies.

But they're my parents.

Why would I complain about them being a stress on me or an inconvenience?

These are the people that would surely do anything in the world for me.

I want them well.

Whatever necessary, it just gets done.

 

So when I hear others, complain about family members it makes my blood turn cold.

There is an instant dislike and zero respect.

 

Cherish what you have, while you have it.

Loved ones, money, material things - none of it lasts forever.

Choose what's most important to you and choose wisely for you may not get the chance to change your mind.

 

It's totally ok to be content with your life.

You don't NEED bigger or better, you just simply make the choice.

And remember - just because someone isn't caught up in the rat race you call life doesn't mean they have nothing.

It could simply mean they have everything they need to be happy.

Some people don't need the 60 inch tv, the second car, a house that's two sizes two big and all the latest and greatest gadgets.

Some people are happiest with the things money can't buy.

 

 

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight.  Never stop fighting."

- EE Cummings

 

 

-T-

 

 



Fear . . . {2/365}

Fear.

 

Normally something I face head on.

Why not?

We have one life and I don't like the idea of fear being the only thing that stands between me and what it is I want.

 

This time though; boy is it hard.

It's hard.  I feel like it's been two steps forward and one back.

Slow moving.

 

I've always wanted to be a photographer.

Always.

I was talked out of it growing up.  Arts were never something that was brought to the surface in my childhood.  It wasn't considered to be a wise or worthwhile career choice.

Didn't change anything though.

I left high school, entered into a college program right away only to quit a couple of months in.

I hated it.

It totally wasn't for me.

It wasn't my dream.  Not what I could picture myself doing everyday for the rest of my life.

It wasn't photography.

 

So I went to work.

I hated my life.

Retail.  Wowsers.  It's not for the faint of hearts.

I have always and will always say that it takes a special kind of person to make a career out of retail.

The abuse, the crap, the terrible treatment, lack of respect . . well that's just something for another post.

 

So 5 years past.

I decided it was high time I went back to school.

I was not one of those special people that wanted retail as a way of life.

So I enter into a business management program.

Being that I always wanted to be a photographer I figured this would at least teach me the skills necessary for that path.

 

I aced it.

It was hard work.

Living on a student loan was B-R-U-T-A-L.

But I did it.

Upon completion it hit again - what now?

 

The sounds of an office job was simply dreadful.

I was used to interacting with the public, not hiding away by myself.

 

What happened?

Back to retail; this time as a manager.

Good grief.

There are adequate words.

 

I had to play my cards well.

I knew I would only be happy taking photos.

Simple as that.

So at 27 I looked at things long and hard - enough was enough.

 

I absolutely was not prepared to give up my only dream so that others wouldn't think I was crazy.

I've heard it all.

Lack of security; lack of retirement funds; lack of benefits . . . blah, blah, friggin blah!

 

Good grief. 

It's called working just as hard for yourself as you do for a job that gives nothing back.

It's called going to a bank and setting up an RRSP.

And you can even call an insurance company and pay for benefits.

Imagine that.

*Note sarcasm*

 

For me it's financial independence.

There's no one going to take my job away from me, but me.

I paid for my benefits at work, still didn't have a retirement plan and could have lost said job at any time.  As we know, today, there's no real job security.  Cut backs happen.  Everywhere.

 

So I started buying equipment.

Taking any workshop I could get my hands on.

Buying several books.

Built up my determination as if I were taking on the world single handed.

Did a little research and turned what others seen as lemons, into very sweet lemonade.

I have been away from the retail world for 3 months and have never been happier.

 

I launched my photography a few months ago and it's been a slow go.

I still have a lot to learn; no doubt I will always be learning new things.

The most important thing is I'm finally living for me.

No one else.  Just me.

 

I will have utter independence.

Financial security.

Medical, dental benefits and even life insurance.

RRSP to cushion this bum into the golden years.

And not through someone else.

Because I made a choice.

A choice that others allow fear to stop them from making.

 

Not me.

 

I'll stumble.

I'll fall.

I may fail at some things.

But I'll make it.

 

Not for spite.

Not for anyone else.

Just for me.

 

Just to show that my dream is mine to live.

That it will allow me to be successful and happy.

To me that's all life is about anyway.

 

Health, love and happiness.

What more can we ask for?

 

There are two quotes I keep repeating to myself when I feel myself slipping back into self doubt:

 

"You've got what it takes, but it'll take everything you've got"

 

"Dear past; thanks for all the lessons.  Dear future; I'm ready"

 

You only live once; live it well and live it for your own happiness.  Even if you have children who you always put first; remember, if you're not truly happy, it reflects onto them - don't let your unhappiness change the people they have the potential to become!

 

-T-

 

 

 



Home . . . {1/365}

Home.

 

One word that means so many different things.

To some it may mean the house in which you grew up in.

To others it may mean the house in which you're raising your family.

 

To me it means the place in which I feel the happiest.

The place in which I go to retreat from the stress of the day; the shit life tends to throw my way.

To me this is not my parents house nor the fantastic little apartment we have been doing up

- it is in his arms.

 

Cliché right?

I always thought so.

But then life threw one damn curve ball after the other.

I could no longer escape to my parents house and simply being home in our little bubble just didn't cut it either.

But his arms.  Now they did it every time.

One look into those eyes; one hug from those arms and the world wasn't such a hellish place to live.

 

When the rest of world wore me down; kicked me when I fell - he was always what I reached for.

He is home.

 

When I watched my mom battle cancer for the second time; when mere days later my dad collapsed, and I had to pick up and go to classes . .

. . he was home.

 

When they found a lump in my throat and I relived each battle with Cancer my mom and her sisters fought . .

. . he was home.

 

When I gave everything to a job that gave nothing back, while my family all considered me there go to girl and I used to vomit from the stress of it all . .

. . he was home.

 

I would simply crawl on his lap, he would close those arms and everything else would disappear; if only for a few moments - I was home.

 

From a favorite song of mine; 'Feels Like Home':

 

"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life . . . "

 

-T-

Project 365 . . .

I've seen variations of these over the last couple of years and decided it was time to do my own variation of it.

 

One of the main reasons I created this blog was to find a little space where I could just be me.  Vent, bitch, rant, whichever name you choose to call it; I wanted a place where I could get things off my chest and mind without having an instant bunch of haters.

 

I have experienced a lot of changes since creating this space and am in for a crazy 12 months ahead; so why not document it?

 

I'm going to make it a goal for myself because lord knows if there's one thing I refuse to do is let myself fall short of checking those goals off my list every year.

 

I'll be creating a post every day for the next 365 days (and no this isn't the first one - that would be a cop out) and they will vary.  It will not follow any set pattern or theme; just me being me.  Sometimes they may just be me bitching about something.  Maybe posting a photo I've taken and just love or maybe hate.  Could be a song I love; I do love and live for music.  Maybe it will be to just simply take a little time for me; making it a priority. 

 

I do hope that if you read it, you don't decide to hate, but instead know that you're not alone in this crazy world feeling like you do.  We're all lost at some point or at a cross road - sometimes we just need to find that something we relate to at that very moment - and then a light bulb moment will hit.

 

I do hope you follow.

 

-T-

2012 . . . . 2013 . . .

Originally composed in early December 2012, but never got posted.


Well here it is; the end of yet another year; it was a good one, it was a bad one and sometimes it did indeed get ugly.  I wouldn't have traded anything.  I have grown as a person, learned enormous amounts about not only myself, but those who are or I thought were close friends and family.  When I think back to this time last year or even a little later, I'm in awe of how much my life is different now.

 

It required bold, sometimes what others thought idiotic, moves to get me here, but I'm here.  I kept my eye on my goals and kept steady.  One day at a time.  Sometimes those days seemed like weeks and I cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions because truthfully, for the first time in my life, I doubted my instincts.  I had moments that I thought I was bat shit crazy for doing what I was doing and moments where I was absolutely terrified I had made a huge mistake.  What kept me going? 

 

5 little, but quite powerful words for me - - - Failure is never an option.

 

 

And it wasn't.  I was determined to never let myself fail.  To keep pushing, keep fighting and make sure I keep landing on my feet as I check off the goals of 2012.

 

 

T doesn't fail. 

 

 

As they always ask at work; what is my biggest take-a-way from this past year?  That is it.  I don't fail because I refuse to let myself fail.  When I want something, I do whatever necessary to make it happen.  I don't make or accept excuses.  I still have a few weeks to ago to complete 2012's goal list and can proudly say I will have completed all but one of them and many others as well.

 

 I'm ok with not having the one item not finished as I'm not perfect and I am quite proud of the things I did indeed complete this year. 

 

2012 was a huge year, but 2013 is going to rock! :)

Robbed . . .

I've always been a firm believer in taking chances.  Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't; some say.  I say they always pay off.  No, sometimes it may not deliver the outcome we may be looking for, but unless you take the chance, you never truly had it. 

 

The last six months have been nothing if not challenging.

 

 

August 23, 2012 I sent an email to inform the company I was working for that I, for several reasons, would no longer be holding my position within the company effective September 5, 2012.  Now for those who were with me during the weeks leading up to this, know this was not an easy decision.  I put so much of who and what I was into my job.  I worked on and off the clock to make sure things started and continued to move in the right direction.

 

Things became too overwhelming.  I sacrificed family moments, my dream and a lot of what I wanted for myself for my work.  To be fair I was dealing with a lot of things outside of work as well; for quite some time.  It came to a point where the fact of me simply pushing things aside to be dealt with at a later time, just wasn't an option.  I dreaded going to work.  I was on a constant emotional roller coaster.  My spirit had become damaged. 

I needed a break.

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control, that break wasn't an option.  So literally one day I panicked.  I was scared.  Scared of what would happen if I kept this up.

Would I even recognize myself?

Would I throw away the dreams I had?

Had I put so much of myself into my work and into others that I had nothing left for me??

 

I didn't have many people to talk about this with.  Some were frustrated with me for hanging on to something that obviously wasn't serving me anymore.  Some were fascinated at the fact I could actually continue to accept such nonsense and some just simply didn't know how to understand me.

 

One did.  After going through something similar herself, she understood.

She offered me a life saver when I felt like I was drowning.

Melodramatic?  Maybe.

But that's exactly what I felt like.  I was losing the girl I knew I was.

 

So I grabbed a hold, though my gut was screaming for me not to and threw all caution to the wind.

I started a new job, with a new company just 18 days later.

 

Talk about a whirlwind romance.  More like a waltz with the devil.  A mere few weeks after starting, I applied, interviewed and received a promotion of sorts.  Went through multiple hours of training, trying to learn the culture of a company that had provided so much to me as one of their 'customers'.

 

I have never felt more robbed in my life.

 

Not only had I given up something I was good at, respected for and for the most part enjoyed; I had lost respect for myself for sinking to a level I swore I never would.

The cherry for the career choice sundae?

I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the services that attracted me to the company to begin with.

 

I have never in my life, let someone treat me the way I did during those 5 months.

I lost more then a part of myself, I lost my love of fitness.

My outlet for life's crap.

 

I had kept up my workout through everything.  I didn't push myself so hard in a workout to simply drop a few pounds.  I kept pushing myself until whatever it was that was on my mind, wasn't anymore.  Myself and the Arc Trainer had quite the relationship.  Whatever I was dealing with, it was always there, ready for whatever I abuse I dished out.  Earbuds in; machine on and away I went.  Sometimes I needed 15 minutes, sometimes it was an hour and a half.  Sometimes I lip synced away with the music, sometimes there were tears streaming down my cheeks.  But when I got off that Arc Trainer, I ALWAYS felt better.

 

Was I obsessed?  Yeah a little.  Who wouldn't be addicted to the one thing that promised to make them forget the shit??  I could've turned to worse avenues, a lot worse.

 

Now; almost 7 months later, I'm back to the company I left.  Without my outlet.

The part that kills me?

No, not that I went back to something I left with good reason.

No, not the fact the chance I took didn't work out.

No, not even the fact I'm still not quite where I want to be in life and my career.

The fact I let them rob me of my passion.

 

And it's just that.  I let it happen.

I need to find the strength to get it back.

I don't need it like I used to.  I approached my position with a different perspective this time.  Taking with me the lessons I learned from the last go around.

Things are going great, but I miss my workouts terribly.

They became so much a part of me during those months of stress relief that now without them, it feels like I'm missing something vital.

 

I made a vow to myself today.  That I would get that part of myself back.

That I would take back what I allowed them to take from me.

 

"Do you think that anybody can damage your soul?

Then why are you so embarrassed?

I laugh at those who think they can damage me.

They do not know who I am,

they do not know what I think,

they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live." - Epictetus

 

-T-



Love . . .

Love.

All consuming love.

Terrifying love.

The very center of your entire universe.

A love we never dare to dream of.

The fairytale as well as the nightmare.

My life.

I love him.  You say it first in your mind; trying it on for size.  Yup, I really do love him.  This is something a lot of us get to experience in our lifetime.  Sometimes we think we've found it and it was just another stepping stone on the road to the real deal and sometimes we look right at it and never realize.  Very rarely in all I've encountered does someone meet 'the one'.  The elusive one. The very epitome of the fairytale.

I did.

Granted it wasn't quite Cinderella.  I didn't have an ugly stepmother or sisters, but we had our fair share of struggles, but as we muddled through them, the feelings grew too.

There was never one moment in which a light bulb went off and I realized this was it - until recently.  Not exactly a light bulb moment, but rather one of extreme clarity.

He's my life.

Not in a creepy 'Ohmygod she's obsessed' way, but rather an 'ohmygod I'm absolutely terrified' way.  And I was; terrified.  Completely and utterly terrified.

How else was I to deal with such a fierce feeling for someone?

How do you let someone have the ability to completely rip my world apart?

Easy.  I love him.

I would rather take the chance of having no life, then miss out on just one day I have with him.

Do I know if he's consumed with the same feelings?  No.

I know he loves me and that's all that matters.

I'm no longer struggling trying to figure out life's problems, a five year plan or the meaning of life.

I found the most precious thing there is - love.

As I see others around me separating and divorcing I look at him and think; no way baby - this is worth more then any battle I have to fight or any war I have to win.

I still have goals for myself, things in which I want to experience and a bucket list for my life, but I'm no longer caught up in the rat race.  I have refocused on what's important and know that whatever goes wrong I have him to come home to. 

I wish you could all find the feelings I have been blessed enough to find.  That one person who can make any struggle simply feel like a journey, who calms you and can take any horrible experience and turn it around simply by making eye contact and who loves you unconditionally.

'You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything

Would you tell me,
How could it be,
Any better than this...'

-T-

Inspiration . . .

Anyone who has ever attempted a challenge, set a goal or had an obstacle in their life that they had to struggle through, will relate here.

Last Spring I caught a throat infection.  I tried over the counter medication - the usually cold medicine and sore throat lozengers; didn't work.  Off to the doctor I went.  I sit there as he looks in my mouth and then feels for swelling in my throat, when I hear, "You have a lump in your neck.  Quite a big lump."

I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a few beats.  I had to get him to repeat the words he said after that.  It was like you see in the movies; all I kept hearing was "You have a lump . . . you have a lump . . ."

To back pedal for a minute, I have quite a heavy loaded family history of cancer.  The feeling that came over me when I heard that word was like no feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

25 years old.  Sure I had finished school, but I wasn't happy with the resulting job, I had debt to be paid off, a possibility of future children and a life long dream of becoming a photographer to yet fulfill.  I was devastated at the possibility that I would have a major health crisis to deal with.

So I walked out of the doctor's office and had to look at Vic and tell him that not only did I have a throat infection, but it had the possibility of being something much larger. 

At first I was met with silence; then worry, which quickly turned into a positive outlook.

I went through an ENT appointment, ultrasound, ENT appointment, ultrasound/biopsy and another ENT appointment to find out that yes there was indeed a lump, but as of right now it wasn't cancer.  Cloud 9 was surpassed that day.

This ordeal sent me into overdrive.  I started setting goals for myself.  I've always had goals, but rarely set time lines for them.  This time there was no option of failure.  I started living my life so that if I were ever to be put in a similar situation again, I wouldn't automatically run through all of the things I wished I done and all of the time I had wasted.

As you can see from prior posts, I have quite the list of goals going for me right now and I can proudly say that I am plowing my way through that list.
The success I've had hasn't come without a lot of hard work, dedication, sometimes a lot of sweat and tears or most importantly inspiration.

I look my inspiration in the face every single morning, afternoon and night.  I live with him, share my life and dreams with him, but also all of the pain, heartache and bad days.  He's my rock; my 'go to.'.  On the rare days I just want to say 'F--- this!' - I think of him.  I think of his willpower, determination, struggles, success and love.  I push through not because I'm afraid of disappointing him, but because I want him to feel even just a little of the pride I feel when I look at him.

Excerpt from a very touching song 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It.'

She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

My wish for you all is  that you not have an easy life with nothing but smooth sailing, but instead that you have that person in your life that will help you get through the life you are blessed with and who will brave the storm of seas you do get to sail.  If you are as grateful as I am to have found that someone, hang on with dear life and return every smile, every kind word, every second of patience and especially every ounce of love that you are given.  I am truly the richest person I know.
<3<3<3

Journey . . .

Isn't that what life is? A journey.

To those who like to over think things then no it wouldn't be a journey because a journey usually has a destination. Living your life shouldn't be about getting your destination, but about the ride along the way. I read a little line tonight and how true it was.

'Don't compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.'

Such a little sentence, such a wake up.

How many times have we all judged others reactions to things. Such as what we would call over reaction, under reaction or maybe even as extreme as pure selfishness. How do we really know and who are we do even think such a thing. People tend to say 'I know what you're going through' or 'Yea been there!'.

Nope. You don't and haven't. You don't live anyone elses journey, but your own. Therefore you don't know why people react the way they do. Just because you may share a certain experience doesn't mean you handle things the same way. Even see things the same way.

We've all been guilty of judgement at some point or other and we really shouldn't be.

To each their own. That's what I always say. It may seem like sometimes I don't care about things, it's just my way of acceptance. I don't concern myself with the decisions of others usually. Mainly because I really don't understand why such a decision was made and unless you want to get deeply involved, you wouldn't ask why. I just accept that people know why they do things and if they're happy and not harming anyone, who's business is it?

Each and every one of us needs to suck every possible second of happiness out of the journey we're on. If you want something; jump. Make it happen. I'm not saying jump from a plane without a parachute, but don't let opportunity pass you by, because be assured, it doesn't go to waste. The next person to come along will take it.

When you come to a fork in the road where more than one opportunity presents itself; trust your gut. It will lead to a whole lot less regret then not.

If you come to a road block; plow through. Don't let it stop you, just figure out how to get around it. Hard work, determination and passion is what makes the world we know possible. Do you think Steve Jobs was met with cheers when he talked about his first step into greatness? Chances are slim. The great, don't become great at the beginning of their journey. Chances need to be taken. Whatever it is you want from your life needs to be given everything you've got.

Maybe it's an artist, CEO, self-made millionaire, a mother/father or an inventor. No matter how big or small others may think your dreams are, they're not impossible and don't have to remain dreams.

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it."

- Mother Teresa

-T-

Perseverance . . .

I have two P's in my life; Passion and Perseverance.

I believe with these two attributes I can accomplish anything.

I want to be a photographer. More then anything else, I want that.

I admit I'm a little intimidated by all of the successful photographers out there, but I've let other things deter me as well. No more. I had my epiphany a few days ago. Standing at work before the store opened, I simply looked around and said aloud; "What in the world am I doing?". This is not what I wanted for myself. It's at the completely other end of the spectrum from what I wanted for myself to be honest.

Then I came home and read over my posts here. That day was exactly the kick I needed. I went and registered for a six week photography workshop. Included is about 80% of what I need to know to get started. Granted, photographers, like any other profession will be constantly learning, I simply mean the skills I need to get myself going. I absorb every bit of knowledge I can find already, on my own. I just love learning from those in the field. There is no better knowledge then from those with experience.

To say I'm excited for the start date is an understatement. I feel like the old cliche was right; Here's to the first day of the rest of my life.

I will have what I want. No matter what obstacles present themselves to me I now have the confidence in myself, the perseverance to know I will succeed. I will be a photographer. I not only have confidence in myself, but my talent. I just need the knowledge I currently don't possess in order to refine my skills.

'Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.' - Marie Curie

-T-

Appearances . . .

Boy; what a loaded word, but it pretty much encompasses a good chunk of what's going on inside my head right now. Since my journey to a thinner, healthier, more happier me has begun, I've taken a look at everything that effects my life. The people, things, habits etc. Eye opener really. I've made some tough choices, tough for me anyway, in this journey and one of those is to sever ties with those people who bring nothing, but the negative out in me.

Over the course of the past year (2011) I've been on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I would have extreme highs and then extreme lows. To be honest at first I didn't have a sweet clue as to what was causing such changes. Then I realized it was how I reacted to situations and people. I got tired of being used, taken for a ride, however you want to put it. I now get slightly amused at such things, but back then I let it upset me and effect me in a really big way.

I can't blame people for the roller coaster ride because I allowed for them to effect me that way, but I've thankfully realized what I was doing and have remedied the issue.

How many times do people contact me only when they want something from me? Quite often.

Whether it be a 'favor' or 'errand' or whichever word they tended to use at the time, it became ridiculous. I had no free time. To one person it didn't seem like a big deal, but when several people were doing the same thing, it became quite overwhelming. It got to a point where I began to resent the people around me because they didn't care how it was effecting me as long as I did the favor or errand.

Almost as if their life was so much more busy or their time more valuable.

I've said it before and I'll say it once more:

Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I don't have a life. It simply means I have a different one than you chose to have. I actually had someone look at me and ask what I had to be happy about because I didn't have children or a house. Well you know what? I have a lot to be happy about. I'm healthy and happy - are you? If I choose to have kids; great. If not - so what. Your goals in life are different then mine, it's not my problem if you can't accept that.

I'm not living my life to make you happy, I'm living it to make me happy.

Just because I don't choose to have 2.5 children, a white picket fence and a constant stream of the newest gadgets in my life, doesn't mean I can't afford to, it means I don't want the things you do.

I refuse to be sucked into this 'keeping up with the Joneses'.

I have decided to live for me, to make me happy. If I make a choice that you don't understand, that's ok too. You don't have to understand it, it's not your life, it's mine and I do understand why I do certain things.

So when you look at me, don't assume you know me, don't assume we're close and don't assume you know what's better for me then I do.

Assuming doesn't make an ass out of you and me - just you, because I'm not wasting my time trying to figure you out.

'Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look past the imperfections.' Unknown

-T-