Robbed . . .

I've always been a firm believer in taking chances.  Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't; some say.  I say they always pay off.  No, sometimes it may not deliver the outcome we may be looking for, but unless you take the chance, you never truly had it. 

 

The last six months have been nothing if not challenging.

 

 

August 23, 2012 I sent an email to inform the company I was working for that I, for several reasons, would no longer be holding my position within the company effective September 5, 2012.  Now for those who were with me during the weeks leading up to this, know this was not an easy decision.  I put so much of who and what I was into my job.  I worked on and off the clock to make sure things started and continued to move in the right direction.

 

Things became too overwhelming.  I sacrificed family moments, my dream and a lot of what I wanted for myself for my work.  To be fair I was dealing with a lot of things outside of work as well; for quite some time.  It came to a point where the fact of me simply pushing things aside to be dealt with at a later time, just wasn't an option.  I dreaded going to work.  I was on a constant emotional roller coaster.  My spirit had become damaged. 

I needed a break.

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control, that break wasn't an option.  So literally one day I panicked.  I was scared.  Scared of what would happen if I kept this up.

Would I even recognize myself?

Would I throw away the dreams I had?

Had I put so much of myself into my work and into others that I had nothing left for me??

 

I didn't have many people to talk about this with.  Some were frustrated with me for hanging on to something that obviously wasn't serving me anymore.  Some were fascinated at the fact I could actually continue to accept such nonsense and some just simply didn't know how to understand me.

 

One did.  After going through something similar herself, she understood.

She offered me a life saver when I felt like I was drowning.

Melodramatic?  Maybe.

But that's exactly what I felt like.  I was losing the girl I knew I was.

 

So I grabbed a hold, though my gut was screaming for me not to and threw all caution to the wind.

I started a new job, with a new company just 18 days later.

 

Talk about a whirlwind romance.  More like a waltz with the devil.  A mere few weeks after starting, I applied, interviewed and received a promotion of sorts.  Went through multiple hours of training, trying to learn the culture of a company that had provided so much to me as one of their 'customers'.

 

I have never felt more robbed in my life.

 

Not only had I given up something I was good at, respected for and for the most part enjoyed; I had lost respect for myself for sinking to a level I swore I never would.

The cherry for the career choice sundae?

I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the services that attracted me to the company to begin with.

 

I have never in my life, let someone treat me the way I did during those 5 months.

I lost more then a part of myself, I lost my love of fitness.

My outlet for life's crap.

 

I had kept up my workout through everything.  I didn't push myself so hard in a workout to simply drop a few pounds.  I kept pushing myself until whatever it was that was on my mind, wasn't anymore.  Myself and the Arc Trainer had quite the relationship.  Whatever I was dealing with, it was always there, ready for whatever I abuse I dished out.  Earbuds in; machine on and away I went.  Sometimes I needed 15 minutes, sometimes it was an hour and a half.  Sometimes I lip synced away with the music, sometimes there were tears streaming down my cheeks.  But when I got off that Arc Trainer, I ALWAYS felt better.

 

Was I obsessed?  Yeah a little.  Who wouldn't be addicted to the one thing that promised to make them forget the shit??  I could've turned to worse avenues, a lot worse.

 

Now; almost 7 months later, I'm back to the company I left.  Without my outlet.

The part that kills me?

No, not that I went back to something I left with good reason.

No, not the fact the chance I took didn't work out.

No, not even the fact I'm still not quite where I want to be in life and my career.

The fact I let them rob me of my passion.

 

And it's just that.  I let it happen.

I need to find the strength to get it back.

I don't need it like I used to.  I approached my position with a different perspective this time.  Taking with me the lessons I learned from the last go around.

Things are going great, but I miss my workouts terribly.

They became so much a part of me during those months of stress relief that now without them, it feels like I'm missing something vital.

 

I made a vow to myself today.  That I would get that part of myself back.

That I would take back what I allowed them to take from me.

 

"Do you think that anybody can damage your soul?

Then why are you so embarrassed?

I laugh at those who think they can damage me.

They do not know who I am,

they do not know what I think,

they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live." - Epictetus

 

-T-



Love . . .

Love.

All consuming love.

Terrifying love.

The very center of your entire universe.

A love we never dare to dream of.

The fairytale as well as the nightmare.

My life.

I love him.  You say it first in your mind; trying it on for size.  Yup, I really do love him.  This is something a lot of us get to experience in our lifetime.  Sometimes we think we've found it and it was just another stepping stone on the road to the real deal and sometimes we look right at it and never realize.  Very rarely in all I've encountered does someone meet 'the one'.  The elusive one. The very epitome of the fairytale.

I did.

Granted it wasn't quite Cinderella.  I didn't have an ugly stepmother or sisters, but we had our fair share of struggles, but as we muddled through them, the feelings grew too.

There was never one moment in which a light bulb went off and I realized this was it - until recently.  Not exactly a light bulb moment, but rather one of extreme clarity.

He's my life.

Not in a creepy 'Ohmygod she's obsessed' way, but rather an 'ohmygod I'm absolutely terrified' way.  And I was; terrified.  Completely and utterly terrified.

How else was I to deal with such a fierce feeling for someone?

How do you let someone have the ability to completely rip my world apart?

Easy.  I love him.

I would rather take the chance of having no life, then miss out on just one day I have with him.

Do I know if he's consumed with the same feelings?  No.

I know he loves me and that's all that matters.

I'm no longer struggling trying to figure out life's problems, a five year plan or the meaning of life.

I found the most precious thing there is - love.

As I see others around me separating and divorcing I look at him and think; no way baby - this is worth more then any battle I have to fight or any war I have to win.

I still have goals for myself, things in which I want to experience and a bucket list for my life, but I'm no longer caught up in the rat race.  I have refocused on what's important and know that whatever goes wrong I have him to come home to. 

I wish you could all find the feelings I have been blessed enough to find.  That one person who can make any struggle simply feel like a journey, who calms you and can take any horrible experience and turn it around simply by making eye contact and who loves you unconditionally.

'You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything

Would you tell me,
How could it be,
Any better than this...'

-T-

Inspiration . . .

Anyone who has ever attempted a challenge, set a goal or had an obstacle in their life that they had to struggle through, will relate here.

Last Spring I caught a throat infection.  I tried over the counter medication - the usually cold medicine and sore throat lozengers; didn't work.  Off to the doctor I went.  I sit there as he looks in my mouth and then feels for swelling in my throat, when I hear, "You have a lump in your neck.  Quite a big lump."

I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a few beats.  I had to get him to repeat the words he said after that.  It was like you see in the movies; all I kept hearing was "You have a lump . . . you have a lump . . ."

To back pedal for a minute, I have quite a heavy loaded family history of cancer.  The feeling that came over me when I heard that word was like no feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

25 years old.  Sure I had finished school, but I wasn't happy with the resulting job, I had debt to be paid off, a possibility of future children and a life long dream of becoming a photographer to yet fulfill.  I was devastated at the possibility that I would have a major health crisis to deal with.

So I walked out of the doctor's office and had to look at Vic and tell him that not only did I have a throat infection, but it had the possibility of being something much larger. 

At first I was met with silence; then worry, which quickly turned into a positive outlook.

I went through an ENT appointment, ultrasound, ENT appointment, ultrasound/biopsy and another ENT appointment to find out that yes there was indeed a lump, but as of right now it wasn't cancer.  Cloud 9 was surpassed that day.

This ordeal sent me into overdrive.  I started setting goals for myself.  I've always had goals, but rarely set time lines for them.  This time there was no option of failure.  I started living my life so that if I were ever to be put in a similar situation again, I wouldn't automatically run through all of the things I wished I done and all of the time I had wasted.

As you can see from prior posts, I have quite the list of goals going for me right now and I can proudly say that I am plowing my way through that list.
The success I've had hasn't come without a lot of hard work, dedication, sometimes a lot of sweat and tears or most importantly inspiration.

I look my inspiration in the face every single morning, afternoon and night.  I live with him, share my life and dreams with him, but also all of the pain, heartache and bad days.  He's my rock; my 'go to.'.  On the rare days I just want to say 'F--- this!' - I think of him.  I think of his willpower, determination, struggles, success and love.  I push through not because I'm afraid of disappointing him, but because I want him to feel even just a little of the pride I feel when I look at him.

Excerpt from a very touching song 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It.'

She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

My wish for you all is  that you not have an easy life with nothing but smooth sailing, but instead that you have that person in your life that will help you get through the life you are blessed with and who will brave the storm of seas you do get to sail.  If you are as grateful as I am to have found that someone, hang on with dear life and return every smile, every kind word, every second of patience and especially every ounce of love that you are given.  I am truly the richest person I know.
<3<3<3

Journey . . .

Isn't that what life is? A journey.

To those who like to over think things then no it wouldn't be a journey because a journey usually has a destination. Living your life shouldn't be about getting your destination, but about the ride along the way. I read a little line tonight and how true it was.

'Don't compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.'

Such a little sentence, such a wake up.

How many times have we all judged others reactions to things. Such as what we would call over reaction, under reaction or maybe even as extreme as pure selfishness. How do we really know and who are we do even think such a thing. People tend to say 'I know what you're going through' or 'Yea been there!'.

Nope. You don't and haven't. You don't live anyone elses journey, but your own. Therefore you don't know why people react the way they do. Just because you may share a certain experience doesn't mean you handle things the same way. Even see things the same way.

We've all been guilty of judgement at some point or other and we really shouldn't be.

To each their own. That's what I always say. It may seem like sometimes I don't care about things, it's just my way of acceptance. I don't concern myself with the decisions of others usually. Mainly because I really don't understand why such a decision was made and unless you want to get deeply involved, you wouldn't ask why. I just accept that people know why they do things and if they're happy and not harming anyone, who's business is it?

Each and every one of us needs to suck every possible second of happiness out of the journey we're on. If you want something; jump. Make it happen. I'm not saying jump from a plane without a parachute, but don't let opportunity pass you by, because be assured, it doesn't go to waste. The next person to come along will take it.

When you come to a fork in the road where more than one opportunity presents itself; trust your gut. It will lead to a whole lot less regret then not.

If you come to a road block; plow through. Don't let it stop you, just figure out how to get around it. Hard work, determination and passion is what makes the world we know possible. Do you think Steve Jobs was met with cheers when he talked about his first step into greatness? Chances are slim. The great, don't become great at the beginning of their journey. Chances need to be taken. Whatever it is you want from your life needs to be given everything you've got.

Maybe it's an artist, CEO, self-made millionaire, a mother/father or an inventor. No matter how big or small others may think your dreams are, they're not impossible and don't have to remain dreams.

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it."

- Mother Teresa

-T-

Perseverance . . .

I have two P's in my life; Passion and Perseverance.

I believe with these two attributes I can accomplish anything.

I want to be a photographer. More then anything else, I want that.

I admit I'm a little intimidated by all of the successful photographers out there, but I've let other things deter me as well. No more. I had my epiphany a few days ago. Standing at work before the store opened, I simply looked around and said aloud; "What in the world am I doing?". This is not what I wanted for myself. It's at the completely other end of the spectrum from what I wanted for myself to be honest.

Then I came home and read over my posts here. That day was exactly the kick I needed. I went and registered for a six week photography workshop. Included is about 80% of what I need to know to get started. Granted, photographers, like any other profession will be constantly learning, I simply mean the skills I need to get myself going. I absorb every bit of knowledge I can find already, on my own. I just love learning from those in the field. There is no better knowledge then from those with experience.

To say I'm excited for the start date is an understatement. I feel like the old cliche was right; Here's to the first day of the rest of my life.

I will have what I want. No matter what obstacles present themselves to me I now have the confidence in myself, the perseverance to know I will succeed. I will be a photographer. I not only have confidence in myself, but my talent. I just need the knowledge I currently don't possess in order to refine my skills.

'Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.' - Marie Curie

-T-

Appearances . . .

Boy; what a loaded word, but it pretty much encompasses a good chunk of what's going on inside my head right now. Since my journey to a thinner, healthier, more happier me has begun, I've taken a look at everything that effects my life. The people, things, habits etc. Eye opener really. I've made some tough choices, tough for me anyway, in this journey and one of those is to sever ties with those people who bring nothing, but the negative out in me.

Over the course of the past year (2011) I've been on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I would have extreme highs and then extreme lows. To be honest at first I didn't have a sweet clue as to what was causing such changes. Then I realized it was how I reacted to situations and people. I got tired of being used, taken for a ride, however you want to put it. I now get slightly amused at such things, but back then I let it upset me and effect me in a really big way.

I can't blame people for the roller coaster ride because I allowed for them to effect me that way, but I've thankfully realized what I was doing and have remedied the issue.

How many times do people contact me only when they want something from me? Quite often.

Whether it be a 'favor' or 'errand' or whichever word they tended to use at the time, it became ridiculous. I had no free time. To one person it didn't seem like a big deal, but when several people were doing the same thing, it became quite overwhelming. It got to a point where I began to resent the people around me because they didn't care how it was effecting me as long as I did the favor or errand.

Almost as if their life was so much more busy or their time more valuable.

I've said it before and I'll say it once more:

Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I don't have a life. It simply means I have a different one than you chose to have. I actually had someone look at me and ask what I had to be happy about because I didn't have children or a house. Well you know what? I have a lot to be happy about. I'm healthy and happy - are you? If I choose to have kids; great. If not - so what. Your goals in life are different then mine, it's not my problem if you can't accept that.

I'm not living my life to make you happy, I'm living it to make me happy.

Just because I don't choose to have 2.5 children, a white picket fence and a constant stream of the newest gadgets in my life, doesn't mean I can't afford to, it means I don't want the things you do.

I refuse to be sucked into this 'keeping up with the Joneses'.

I have decided to live for me, to make me happy. If I make a choice that you don't understand, that's ok too. You don't have to understand it, it's not your life, it's mine and I do understand why I do certain things.

So when you look at me, don't assume you know me, don't assume we're close and don't assume you know what's better for me then I do.

Assuming doesn't make an ass out of you and me - just you, because I'm not wasting my time trying to figure you out.

'Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look past the imperfections.' Unknown

-T-

Goals . . .

Yup I'm a sucker for them. I'm a planner like no other, but adaptable as well so it works. I have a planner that is my lifeline - everything goes in there and it makes me feel organized and well grounded. I have bunches of things going on and find it quite easy to just write things in there and that way I can forget about it. Well not really. I write reminder of things, if necessary, a few days before if the event takes any kind of preparation.

So for such a planner the start of a new year is about more then crappy, unrealistic, resolutions that get forgotten about mere weeks later. It means finding the things that I want most in life and having a semi timeline for them. And yes, I understand sometimes life happens and interrupts a well laid timeline, but we all need something to aim for. Obstacles are always able to be worked with or through. So for this year, my year, I have several goals.

Goal number one: to bump my store into the next and top sales bracket for our company. It was a hell of a ride through our Christmas season BUT;

Goal Accomplished!

Goal number two: Pay off all outstanding bills, but of course my student loan! This goal is set to be finished in the coming weeks upon receiving a fabulous, long awaited, income tax return!

YAY!

Goal number three: Lose weight! I topped a number higher then ever before there just before Christmas and it made me realize enough was enough. Around me I see family members doing it. Losing weight and getting healthy and it helped me realize that the reasons I was feeding myself were nothing more then empty excuses. So almost three weeks ago I rejoined the gym. I try to go five times a week and am proud to say out of the last 17 days I've gone 12 times - I'm sorry, but today is Valentine's Day and an extra cheat day! The first week I gained 4.4lbs - figure that one out. I'll tell you. I began drinking a whole lot of water, not changing my eating habits at all and I was hungrier than usual because of all of the extra exercise. I stepped on the scales earlier and have dropped the said 4.4 exactly, within the second week. I still drink all of the water, but have stop the constant snacking on junk food and take out. I have 27lbs to go by the end of June.

Work in progress.

Goal number four: Learn the things about photography that I need to know, but don't AND purchase the equipment I want. I'm currently working on the knowledge portion of this goal, the equipment is a logical follow up for a bit later in the year.

Work in progress.

Goal number five: Purchase everything I've been wanting for my apartment, but have delayed getting. Thanks to a fabulous last quarter at work I will be receiving a bonus which will allow me to purchase the largest two ideas I have left for this goal - a new king sized bed and tv for the living room. I also want artwork, frames, lamps, tables, etc. All things will be purchased within the next few weeks - shopping spree! :)

Work in progress.

Goal number six: Make a decision about buying/building a house. Though I would love to say I want to own a house by year end, it all depends on whether I want to buy or build. This one is still not set in stone.

Contemplating.

Goal number seven: getting my permit - again. I had this and let it expire. I know; tut tut tut tut tut on me, but I'm not at a point in my life where this is not a choice, but a priority.

Coming Spring 2012.

That is all there is to my list - easy smeesy right? Haha. I personally think this is going to take quite a bit of work, but I have determination in spades and a want to have these things that can't compare to anything I can put into words. I'll keep updating as I make progress.

Let's see how I do! :)