Because I Love My Life . . . {4/365}

 

 

 

Rat Race . . . {3/365}

Bigger; better.

Today's mentality.

 

 

No one is ever happy with what they have anymore.

What happened to the anticipation of saving for something and the joy of the purchase when those pennies finally add up?

 

The saying "I work to live, not live to work" has taken on a whole new meaning.

Most, literally, work to buy things.  Constantly.

Because purchasing a new flat screen in a 32 inch is unheard of.

Now it's getting that 32 so you can move to a 40; then to a 50 and so on.

Gone is the enjoyment of simply having that flat screen.

 

How about a new car?

Has to be new.

Then when you get that brand new car; it's on to a second car.  Which also has to be new.

 

Let's not forget the things that don't even make sense for you to have.

But hey; Billy Bob & Joe have them so there must be a need.

 

Jesus.

No wonder the economy is the disaster it is.

 

Then we have those who are always worse off then you.

If you have a headache, they have a migraine.

 

You're stressed about work?

Jesus they have the same problem 'like everyday!'.

Bogged down with a family illness?

Consider yourself lucky they haven't died.

 

There's no empathy OR sympathy in this world anymore.

Just people who are so bitter they tend to want to drag others down as well.

 

Pessimistic?

Nah.

Realistic.

 

North America is currently under a pandemic.

I refer to it as the "Poor Me's"

Those effected will always have to be better then you or completely worse off.

 

I hate being around these people.

It brings out the absolute worst in me because I simply don't want to have a conversation.

Knowing how it will progress, where it will lead and how it will end - ugly and depressing.

Therefore leaving me to be seen as antisocial.

Which totally isn't the case at all.

 

I'm a pretty laid back person who hates drama in my life and does not react well when forced to be immersed in it.

I tend to not have a lot of acquaintances because let's face it - most girls are drama queens.

Always whining and complaining about something or other.

 

You're alive and able to make any decision or choice you can possible dream of - for frig sake just do it.

If you're unhappy - CHANGE!

 

I can't do it for you.

Nor would I even if I could.

It's your life.

If you want to waste it being a terrible person who whines and complains about stupid little details while others can only dream of having what you do then fine.

As I said; it's your life.

Just don't expect me to be a part of it.

 

Who can honestly sit and listen to sobs stories from someone who bitched about the very thing they're now crying over?

Save it.

Instead be grateful for the things you have while you have them.

 

You may think you have it so much worse then everyone, but trust me honey - there are a lot of folks out there that honestly have it worse then you and can still wake up every morning and smile.

 

That family member that is suffering an illness?

Enjoy them.

Every second.

For those seconds are ticking on by and you will miss it when they're gone.

But the thing is; you're the one who will have to live with the fact you didn't enjoy it.

Instead you probably bitched about how inconvenient it was having to deal with what they're going through.

 

I slept on the floor, next to a mother who was in her 30's battling breast cancer.

Going through surgeries, chemo and radiation.

Crying myself to sleep because I didn't know from one day to the next if she would be there.

I skipped a lot of high school classes those two years.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I never once complained about having to take on the household.

Never once complained about having to sleep on the floor.

Changing bandages or cleaning vomit - when normally the sight of either one would have my head in the toilet.

 

No because it wasn't my illness to beat.

She was the one going through it.

The school caught wind and offered me extra time for things.

I passed on it.

I didn't want to gain anything from her being sick.

It was my choice to stay home.

It was my choice to sit and talk or simply just be there as she slept.

 

Then it hit again.

Several years later.

Different kind of cancer; but back all the same.

Then a few weeks in; my dad collapses.

Meanwhile I'm in school full time and have a million things going on as it was.

Try living on a shoe string budget.

Not having the time to go back to work so living on student loans.

Listening to heart wrenching sobs on the phone and the fight starts to become too much for her to bare this time.

Trying to keep it together while you assure her, she's the strongest person you have ever known.

That she can very well beat this thing again and she would.

Hanging up the phone to cry myself.

Not knowing if what I was saying was true or not.

 

I still didn't complain.

Yea it was hard being an only child dealing with two ill parents and full time studies.

But they're my parents.

Why would I complain about them being a stress on me or an inconvenience?

These are the people that would surely do anything in the world for me.

I want them well.

Whatever necessary, it just gets done.

 

So when I hear others, complain about family members it makes my blood turn cold.

There is an instant dislike and zero respect.

 

Cherish what you have, while you have it.

Loved ones, money, material things - none of it lasts forever.

Choose what's most important to you and choose wisely for you may not get the chance to change your mind.

 

It's totally ok to be content with your life.

You don't NEED bigger or better, you just simply make the choice.

And remember - just because someone isn't caught up in the rat race you call life doesn't mean they have nothing.

It could simply mean they have everything they need to be happy.

Some people don't need the 60 inch tv, the second car, a house that's two sizes two big and all the latest and greatest gadgets.

Some people are happiest with the things money can't buy.

 

 

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight.  Never stop fighting."

- EE Cummings

 

 

-T-

 

 



Fear . . . {2/365}

Fear.

 

Normally something I face head on.

Why not?

We have one life and I don't like the idea of fear being the only thing that stands between me and what it is I want.

 

This time though; boy is it hard.

It's hard.  I feel like it's been two steps forward and one back.

Slow moving.

 

I've always wanted to be a photographer.

Always.

I was talked out of it growing up.  Arts were never something that was brought to the surface in my childhood.  It wasn't considered to be a wise or worthwhile career choice.

Didn't change anything though.

I left high school, entered into a college program right away only to quit a couple of months in.

I hated it.

It totally wasn't for me.

It wasn't my dream.  Not what I could picture myself doing everyday for the rest of my life.

It wasn't photography.

 

So I went to work.

I hated my life.

Retail.  Wowsers.  It's not for the faint of hearts.

I have always and will always say that it takes a special kind of person to make a career out of retail.

The abuse, the crap, the terrible treatment, lack of respect . . well that's just something for another post.

 

So 5 years past.

I decided it was high time I went back to school.

I was not one of those special people that wanted retail as a way of life.

So I enter into a business management program.

Being that I always wanted to be a photographer I figured this would at least teach me the skills necessary for that path.

 

I aced it.

It was hard work.

Living on a student loan was B-R-U-T-A-L.

But I did it.

Upon completion it hit again - what now?

 

The sounds of an office job was simply dreadful.

I was used to interacting with the public, not hiding away by myself.

 

What happened?

Back to retail; this time as a manager.

Good grief.

There are adequate words.

 

I had to play my cards well.

I knew I would only be happy taking photos.

Simple as that.

So at 27 I looked at things long and hard - enough was enough.

 

I absolutely was not prepared to give up my only dream so that others wouldn't think I was crazy.

I've heard it all.

Lack of security; lack of retirement funds; lack of benefits . . . blah, blah, friggin blah!

 

Good grief. 

It's called working just as hard for yourself as you do for a job that gives nothing back.

It's called going to a bank and setting up an RRSP.

And you can even call an insurance company and pay for benefits.

Imagine that.

*Note sarcasm*

 

For me it's financial independence.

There's no one going to take my job away from me, but me.

I paid for my benefits at work, still didn't have a retirement plan and could have lost said job at any time.  As we know, today, there's no real job security.  Cut backs happen.  Everywhere.

 

So I started buying equipment.

Taking any workshop I could get my hands on.

Buying several books.

Built up my determination as if I were taking on the world single handed.

Did a little research and turned what others seen as lemons, into very sweet lemonade.

I have been away from the retail world for 3 months and have never been happier.

 

I launched my photography a few months ago and it's been a slow go.

I still have a lot to learn; no doubt I will always be learning new things.

The most important thing is I'm finally living for me.

No one else.  Just me.

 

I will have utter independence.

Financial security.

Medical, dental benefits and even life insurance.

RRSP to cushion this bum into the golden years.

And not through someone else.

Because I made a choice.

A choice that others allow fear to stop them from making.

 

Not me.

 

I'll stumble.

I'll fall.

I may fail at some things.

But I'll make it.

 

Not for spite.

Not for anyone else.

Just for me.

 

Just to show that my dream is mine to live.

That it will allow me to be successful and happy.

To me that's all life is about anyway.

 

Health, love and happiness.

What more can we ask for?

 

There are two quotes I keep repeating to myself when I feel myself slipping back into self doubt:

 

"You've got what it takes, but it'll take everything you've got"

 

"Dear past; thanks for all the lessons.  Dear future; I'm ready"

 

You only live once; live it well and live it for your own happiness.  Even if you have children who you always put first; remember, if you're not truly happy, it reflects onto them - don't let your unhappiness change the people they have the potential to become!

 

-T-

 

 

 



Home . . . {1/365}

Home.

 

One word that means so many different things.

To some it may mean the house in which you grew up in.

To others it may mean the house in which you're raising your family.

 

To me it means the place in which I feel the happiest.

The place in which I go to retreat from the stress of the day; the shit life tends to throw my way.

To me this is not my parents house nor the fantastic little apartment we have been doing up

- it is in his arms.

 

Cliché right?

I always thought so.

But then life threw one damn curve ball after the other.

I could no longer escape to my parents house and simply being home in our little bubble just didn't cut it either.

But his arms.  Now they did it every time.

One look into those eyes; one hug from those arms and the world wasn't such a hellish place to live.

 

When the rest of world wore me down; kicked me when I fell - he was always what I reached for.

He is home.

 

When I watched my mom battle cancer for the second time; when mere days later my dad collapsed, and I had to pick up and go to classes . .

. . he was home.

 

When they found a lump in my throat and I relived each battle with Cancer my mom and her sisters fought . .

. . he was home.

 

When I gave everything to a job that gave nothing back, while my family all considered me there go to girl and I used to vomit from the stress of it all . .

. . he was home.

 

I would simply crawl on his lap, he would close those arms and everything else would disappear; if only for a few moments - I was home.

 

From a favorite song of mine; 'Feels Like Home':

 

"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life . . . "

 

-T-

Project 365 . . .

I've seen variations of these over the last couple of years and decided it was time to do my own variation of it.

 

One of the main reasons I created this blog was to find a little space where I could just be me.  Vent, bitch, rant, whichever name you choose to call it; I wanted a place where I could get things off my chest and mind without having an instant bunch of haters.

 

I have experienced a lot of changes since creating this space and am in for a crazy 12 months ahead; so why not document it?

 

I'm going to make it a goal for myself because lord knows if there's one thing I refuse to do is let myself fall short of checking those goals off my list every year.

 

I'll be creating a post every day for the next 365 days (and no this isn't the first one - that would be a cop out) and they will vary.  It will not follow any set pattern or theme; just me being me.  Sometimes they may just be me bitching about something.  Maybe posting a photo I've taken and just love or maybe hate.  Could be a song I love; I do love and live for music.  Maybe it will be to just simply take a little time for me; making it a priority. 

 

I do hope that if you read it, you don't decide to hate, but instead know that you're not alone in this crazy world feeling like you do.  We're all lost at some point or at a cross road - sometimes we just need to find that something we relate to at that very moment - and then a light bulb moment will hit.

 

I do hope you follow.

 

-T-

2012 . . . . 2013 . . .

Originally composed in early December 2012, but never got posted.


Well here it is; the end of yet another year; it was a good one, it was a bad one and sometimes it did indeed get ugly.  I wouldn't have traded anything.  I have grown as a person, learned enormous amounts about not only myself, but those who are or I thought were close friends and family.  When I think back to this time last year or even a little later, I'm in awe of how much my life is different now.

 

It required bold, sometimes what others thought idiotic, moves to get me here, but I'm here.  I kept my eye on my goals and kept steady.  One day at a time.  Sometimes those days seemed like weeks and I cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions because truthfully, for the first time in my life, I doubted my instincts.  I had moments that I thought I was bat shit crazy for doing what I was doing and moments where I was absolutely terrified I had made a huge mistake.  What kept me going? 

 

5 little, but quite powerful words for me - - - Failure is never an option.

 

 

And it wasn't.  I was determined to never let myself fail.  To keep pushing, keep fighting and make sure I keep landing on my feet as I check off the goals of 2012.

 

 

T doesn't fail. 

 

 

As they always ask at work; what is my biggest take-a-way from this past year?  That is it.  I don't fail because I refuse to let myself fail.  When I want something, I do whatever necessary to make it happen.  I don't make or accept excuses.  I still have a few weeks to ago to complete 2012's goal list and can proudly say I will have completed all but one of them and many others as well.

 

 I'm ok with not having the one item not finished as I'm not perfect and I am quite proud of the things I did indeed complete this year. 

 

2012 was a huge year, but 2013 is going to rock! :)

Robbed . . .

I've always been a firm believer in taking chances.  Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't; some say.  I say they always pay off.  No, sometimes it may not deliver the outcome we may be looking for, but unless you take the chance, you never truly had it. 

 

The last six months have been nothing if not challenging.

 

 

August 23, 2012 I sent an email to inform the company I was working for that I, for several reasons, would no longer be holding my position within the company effective September 5, 2012.  Now for those who were with me during the weeks leading up to this, know this was not an easy decision.  I put so much of who and what I was into my job.  I worked on and off the clock to make sure things started and continued to move in the right direction.

 

Things became too overwhelming.  I sacrificed family moments, my dream and a lot of what I wanted for myself for my work.  To be fair I was dealing with a lot of things outside of work as well; for quite some time.  It came to a point where the fact of me simply pushing things aside to be dealt with at a later time, just wasn't an option.  I dreaded going to work.  I was on a constant emotional roller coaster.  My spirit had become damaged. 

I needed a break.

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control, that break wasn't an option.  So literally one day I panicked.  I was scared.  Scared of what would happen if I kept this up.

Would I even recognize myself?

Would I throw away the dreams I had?

Had I put so much of myself into my work and into others that I had nothing left for me??

 

I didn't have many people to talk about this with.  Some were frustrated with me for hanging on to something that obviously wasn't serving me anymore.  Some were fascinated at the fact I could actually continue to accept such nonsense and some just simply didn't know how to understand me.

 

One did.  After going through something similar herself, she understood.

She offered me a life saver when I felt like I was drowning.

Melodramatic?  Maybe.

But that's exactly what I felt like.  I was losing the girl I knew I was.

 

So I grabbed a hold, though my gut was screaming for me not to and threw all caution to the wind.

I started a new job, with a new company just 18 days later.

 

Talk about a whirlwind romance.  More like a waltz with the devil.  A mere few weeks after starting, I applied, interviewed and received a promotion of sorts.  Went through multiple hours of training, trying to learn the culture of a company that had provided so much to me as one of their 'customers'.

 

I have never felt more robbed in my life.

 

Not only had I given up something I was good at, respected for and for the most part enjoyed; I had lost respect for myself for sinking to a level I swore I never would.

The cherry for the career choice sundae?

I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the services that attracted me to the company to begin with.

 

I have never in my life, let someone treat me the way I did during those 5 months.

I lost more then a part of myself, I lost my love of fitness.

My outlet for life's crap.

 

I had kept up my workout through everything.  I didn't push myself so hard in a workout to simply drop a few pounds.  I kept pushing myself until whatever it was that was on my mind, wasn't anymore.  Myself and the Arc Trainer had quite the relationship.  Whatever I was dealing with, it was always there, ready for whatever I abuse I dished out.  Earbuds in; machine on and away I went.  Sometimes I needed 15 minutes, sometimes it was an hour and a half.  Sometimes I lip synced away with the music, sometimes there were tears streaming down my cheeks.  But when I got off that Arc Trainer, I ALWAYS felt better.

 

Was I obsessed?  Yeah a little.  Who wouldn't be addicted to the one thing that promised to make them forget the shit??  I could've turned to worse avenues, a lot worse.

 

Now; almost 7 months later, I'm back to the company I left.  Without my outlet.

The part that kills me?

No, not that I went back to something I left with good reason.

No, not the fact the chance I took didn't work out.

No, not even the fact I'm still not quite where I want to be in life and my career.

The fact I let them rob me of my passion.

 

And it's just that.  I let it happen.

I need to find the strength to get it back.

I don't need it like I used to.  I approached my position with a different perspective this time.  Taking with me the lessons I learned from the last go around.

Things are going great, but I miss my workouts terribly.

They became so much a part of me during those months of stress relief that now without them, it feels like I'm missing something vital.

 

I made a vow to myself today.  That I would get that part of myself back.

That I would take back what I allowed them to take from me.

 

"Do you think that anybody can damage your soul?

Then why are you so embarrassed?

I laugh at those who think they can damage me.

They do not know who I am,

they do not know what I think,

they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live." - Epictetus

 

-T-