Fear . . . {10/365}

We all live our lives with fear.

Be it spiders; mice; heights; small spaces - just to name a few.

I never knew true; absolute fear until very recently.

When sitting in a doctors office receiving news that a test result showed several nodules on my lungs.

It didn't sink in right away.

I tried to focus on the positive things.

But two days ago; I felt pressure on my chest.

It was hard to catch a deep breath.

The fear hit me like a ton of bricks.

I kept busy.

It's almost Christmas; I took on as much as possible.

Doing so many things for others.

In part, for my own selfish reasons.

To hide the truest of facts:

I'm terrified.

Absolutely terrified.

Not of being sick.

But of being robbed of a life I have just barely started to live.

About not waking up and looking in his eyes again.

Never walking down the aisle on my way to becoming his wife.

Never holding a precious new life in my arms as they scream their first breath.

Never again simply being curled up on the couch with him on a cold winters day.

Never again sharing a laugh at the simplest of this things until our sides hurt.

8 years.

Over the course of those 8 years we have become each others world.

Inseperable.

Where one doesn't begin and end; just exist together.

It works for us.

It hasn't always been easy.

We've struggled with things; we are human.

But through it all we just grew stronger.

We've stood by each other, when at times it seemed like the world was against us.

When one of us would make a decision, the other was 110% on board.

We didn't necessarily agree on everything, but we supported each other through it regardless.

We are each others strongest ally; cheerleader; supporter; muse; sounding board; best friend and rock.

When everyone and the world had become too busy; we've had each other.

Together we can get through anything.

 So when the words of my doctor finally sank in, my first thoughts were of him.

Not me.

Him.

He restores my determination simply by existing.

I looked at him last night and began to think.

I have to remain positive.

I have to beat this.

Whatever it turns out to be.

Because I can't lose a future that consists of this man.

A future that will, without a doubt, be amazing.

So I keep my tears for when he's not home.

As I type these words; they flow.

Some times my whole body will vibrate with sobs; I take a break; compose and type.

Because here is my outlet.

Here I can let it all out and not have to worry about burdening anyone.

Here I can cry a river and feel like I'm not drowning.

For us; I'll beat this unknown.

I'll win the fight against whatever has decided to invade my body.

For us.

"All my life; All my love; All for you."

"You are the reason I became stronger, but still you are my weakness."

-T-