Continue with an open mind . . .

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Because I Dearly LOVE This Song . . {5/365}


Because I Love My Life . . . {4/365}

 
 
 

Rat Race . . . {3/365}

Bigger; better.
Today's mentality.
 
 
No one is ever happy with what they have anymore.
What happened to the anticipation of saving for something and the joy of the purchase when those pennies finally add up?
 
The saying "I work to live, not live to work" has taken on a whole new meaning.
Most, literally, work to buy things.  Constantly.
Because purchasing a new flat screen in a 32 inch is unheard of.
Now it's getting that 32 so you can move to a 40; then to a 50 and so on.
Gone is the enjoyment of simply having that flat screen.
 
How about a new car?
Has to be new.
Then when you get that brand new car; it's on to a second car.  Which also has to be new.
 
Let's not forget the things that don't even make sense for you to have.
But hey; Billy Bob & Joe have them so there must be a need.
 
Jesus.
No wonder the economy is the disaster it is.
 
Then we have those who are always worse off then you.
If you have a headache, they have a migraine.
 
You're stressed about work?
Jesus they have the same problem 'like everyday!'.
Bogged down with a family illness?
Consider yourself lucky they haven't died.
 
There's no empathy OR sympathy in this world anymore.
Just people who are so bitter they tend to want to drag others down as well.
 
Pessimistic?
Nah.
Realistic.
 
North America is currently under a pandemic.
I refer to it as the "Poor Me's"
Those effected will always have to be better then you or completely worse off.
 
I hate being around these people.
It brings out the absolute worst in me because I simply don't want to have a conversation.
Knowing how it will progress, where it will lead and how it will end - ugly and depressing.
Therefore leaving me to be seen as antisocial.
Which totally isn't the case at all.
 
I'm a pretty laid back person who hates drama in my life and does not react well when forced to be immersed in it.
I tend to not have a lot of acquaintances because let's face it - most girls are drama queens.
Always whining and complaining about something or other.
 
You're alive and able to make any decision or choice you can possible dream of - for frig sake just do it.
If you're unhappy - CHANGE!
 
I can't do it for you.
Nor would I even if I could.
It's your life.
If you want to waste it being a terrible person who whines and complains about stupid little details while others can only dream of having what you do then fine.
As I said; it's your life.
Just don't expect me to be a part of it.
 
Who can honestly sit and listen to sobs stories from someone who bitched about the very thing they're now crying over?
Save it.
Instead be grateful for the things you have while you have them.
 
You may think you have it so much worse then everyone, but trust me honey - there are a lot of folks out there that honestly have it worse then you and can still wake up every morning and smile.
 
That family member that is suffering an illness?
Enjoy them.
Every second.
For those seconds are ticking on by and you will miss it when they're gone.
But the thing is; you're the one who will have to live with the fact you didn't enjoy it.
Instead you probably bitched about how inconvenient it was having to deal with what they're going through.
 
I slept on the floor, next to a mother who was in her 30's battling breast cancer.
Going through surgeries, chemo and radiation.
Crying myself to sleep because I didn't know from one day to the next if she would be there.
I skipped a lot of high school classes those two years.
I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I never once complained about having to take on the household.
Never once complained about having to sleep on the floor.
Changing bandages or cleaning vomit - when normally the sight of either one would have my head in the toilet.
 
No because it wasn't my illness to beat.
She was the one going through it.
The school caught wind and offered me extra time for things.
I passed on it.
I didn't want to gain anything from her being sick.
It was my choice to stay home.
It was my choice to sit and talk or simply just be there as she slept.
 
Then it hit again.
Several years later.
Different kind of cancer; but back all the same.
Then a few weeks in; my dad collapses.
Meanwhile I'm in school full time and have a million things going on as it was.
Try living on a shoe string budget.
Not having the time to go back to work so living on student loans.
Listening to heart wrenching sobs on the phone and the fight starts to become too much for her to bare this time.
Trying to keep it together while you assure her, she's the strongest person you have ever known.
That she can very well beat this thing again and she would.
Hanging up the phone to cry myself.
Not knowing if what I was saying was true or not.
 
I still didn't complain.
Yea it was hard being an only child dealing with two ill parents and full time studies.
But they're my parents.
Why would I complain about them being a stress on me or an inconvenience?
These are the people that would surely do anything in the world for me.
I want them well.
Whatever necessary, it just gets done.
 
So when I hear others, complain about family members it makes my blood turn cold.
There is an instant dislike and zero respect.
 
Cherish what you have, while you have it.
Loved ones, money, material things - none of it lasts forever.
Choose what's most important to you and choose wisely for you may not get the chance to change your mind.
 
It's totally ok to be content with your life.
You don't NEED bigger or better, you just simply make the choice.
And remember - just because someone isn't caught up in the rat race you call life doesn't mean they have nothing.
It could simply mean they have everything they need to be happy.
Some people don't need the 60 inch tv, the second car, a house that's two sizes two big and all the latest and greatest gadgets.
Some people are happiest with the things money can't buy.
 
 
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight.  Never stop fighting."
- EE Cummings
 
 
-T-
 
 


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Fear . . . {2/365}

Fear.
 
Normally something I face head on.
Why not?
We have one life and I don't like the idea of fear being the only thing that stands between me and what it is I want.
 
This time though; boy is it hard.
It's hard.  I feel like it's been two steps forward and one back.
Slow moving.
 
I've always wanted to be a photographer.
Always.
I was talked out of it growing up.  Arts were never something that was brought to the surface in my childhood.  It wasn't considered to be a wise or worthwhile career choice.
Didn't change anything though.
I left high school, entered into a college program right away only to quit a couple of months in.
I hated it.
It totally wasn't for me.
It wasn't my dream.  Not what I could picture myself doing everyday for the rest of my life.
It wasn't photography.
 
So I went to work.
I hated my life.
Retail.  Wowsers.  It's not for the faint of hearts.
I have always and will always say that it takes a special kind of person to make a career out of retail.
The abuse, the crap, the terrible treatment, lack of respect . . well that's just something for another post.
 
So 5 years past.
I decided it was high time I went back to school.
I was not one of those special people that wanted retail as a way of life.
So I enter into a business management program.
Being that I always wanted to be a photographer I figured this would at least teach me the skills necessary for that path.
 
I aced it.
It was hard work.
Living on a student loan was B-R-U-T-A-L.
But I did it.
Upon completion it hit again - what now?
 
The sounds of an office job was simply dreadful.
I was used to interacting with the public, not hiding away by myself.
 
What happened?
Back to retail; this time as a manager.
Good grief.
There are adequate words.
 
I had to play my cards well.
I knew I would only be happy taking photos.
Simple as that.
So at 27 I looked at things long and hard - enough was enough.
 
I absolutely was not prepared to give up my only dream so that others wouldn't think I was crazy.
I've heard it all.
Lack of security; lack of retirement funds; lack of benefits . . . blah, blah, friggin blah!
 
Good grief. 
It's called working just as hard for yourself as you do for a job that gives nothing back.
It's called going to a bank and setting up an RRSP.
And you can even call an insurance company and pay for benefits.
Imagine that.
*Note sarcasm*
 
For me it's financial independence.
There's no one going to take my job away from me, but me.
I paid for my benefits at work, still didn't have a retirement plan and could have lost said job at any time.  As we know, today, there's no real job security.  Cut backs happen.  Everywhere.
 
So I started buying equipment.
Taking any workshop I could get my hands on.
Buying several books.
Built up my determination as if I were taking on the world single handed.
Did a little research and turned what others seen as lemons, into very sweet lemonade.
I have been away from the retail world for 3 months and have never been happier.
 
I launched my photography a few months ago and it's been a slow go.
I still have a lot to learn; no doubt I will always be learning new things.
The most important thing is I'm finally living for me.
No one else.  Just me.
 
I will have utter independence.
Financial security.
Medical, dental benefits and even life insurance.
RRSP to cushion this bum into the golden years.
And not through someone else.
Because I made a choice.
A choice that others allow fear to stop them from making.
 
Not me.
 
I'll stumble.
I'll fall.
I may fail at some things.
But I'll make it.
 
Not for spite.
Not for anyone else.
Just for me.
 
Just to show that my dream is mine to live.
That it will allow me to be successful and happy.
To me that's all life is about anyway.
 
Health, love and happiness.
What more can we ask for?
 
There are two quotes I keep repeating to myself when I feel myself slipping back into self doubt:
 
"You've got what it takes, but it'll take everything you've got"
 
"Dear past; thanks for all the lessons.  Dear future; I'm ready"
 
You only live once; live it well and live it for your own happiness.  Even if you have children who you always put first; remember, if you're not truly happy, it reflects onto them - don't let your unhappiness change the people they have the potential to become!
 
-T-
 
 
 


Monday, September 9, 2013

Home . . . {1/365}

Home.
 
One word that means so many different things.
To some it may mean the house in which you grew up in.
To others it may mean the house in which you're raising your family.
 
To me it means the place in which I feel the happiest.
The place in which I go to retreat from the stress of the day; the shit life tends to throw my way.
To me this is not my parents house nor the fantastic little apartment we have been doing up
- it is in his arms.
 
Cliché right?
I always thought so.
But then life threw one damn curve ball after the other.
I could no longer escape to my parents house and simply being home in our little bubble just didn't cut it either.
But his arms.  Now they did it every time.
One look into those eyes; one hug from those arms and the world wasn't such a hellish place to live.
 
When the rest of world wore me down; kicked me when I fell - he was always what I reached for.
He is home.
 
When I watched my mom battle cancer for the second time; when mere days later my dad collapsed, and I had to pick up and go to classes . .
. . he was home.
 
When they found a lump in my throat and I relived each battle with Cancer my mom and her sisters fought . .
. . he was home.
 
When I gave everything to a job that gave nothing back, while my family all considered me there go to girl and I used to vomit from the stress of it all . .
. . he was home.
 
I would simply crawl on his lap, he would close those arms and everything else would disappear; if only for a few moments - I was home.
 
From a favorite song of mine; 'Feels Like Home':
 
"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life . . . "
 
-T-

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Project 365 . . .

I've seen variations of these over the last couple of years and decided it was time to do my own variation of it.
 
One of the main reasons I created this blog was to find a little space where I could just be me.  Vent, bitch, rant, whichever name you choose to call it; I wanted a place where I could get things off my chest and mind without having an instant bunch of haters.
 
I have experienced a lot of changes since creating this space and am in for a crazy 12 months ahead; so why not document it?
 
I'm going to make it a goal for myself because lord knows if there's one thing I refuse to do is let myself fall short of checking those goals off my list every year.
 
I'll be creating a post every day for the next 365 days (and no this isn't the first one - that would be a cop out) and they will vary.  It will not follow any set pattern or theme; just me being me.  Sometimes they may just be me bitching about something.  Maybe posting a photo I've taken and just love or maybe hate.  Could be a song I love; I do love and live for music.  Maybe it will be to just simply take a little time for me; making it a priority. 
 
I do hope that if you read it, you don't decide to hate, but instead know that you're not alone in this crazy world feeling like you do.  We're all lost at some point or at a cross road - sometimes we just need to find that something we relate to at that very moment - and then a light bulb moment will hit.
 
I do hope you follow.
 
-T-