Fear.
Normally something I face head on.
Why not?
We have one life and I don't like the idea of fear being the only thing that stands between me and what it is I want.
This time though; boy is it hard.
It's hard. I feel like it's been two steps forward and one back.
Slow moving.
I've always wanted to be a photographer.
Always.
I was talked out of it growing up. Arts were never something that was brought to the surface in my childhood. It wasn't considered to be a wise or worthwhile career choice.
Didn't change anything though.
I left high school, entered into a college program right away only to quit a couple of months in.
I hated it.
It totally wasn't for me.
It wasn't my dream. Not what I could picture myself doing everyday for the rest of my life.
It wasn't photography.
So I went to work.
I hated my life.
Retail. Wowsers. It's not for the faint of hearts.
I have always and will always say that it takes a special kind of person to make a career out of retail.
The abuse, the crap, the terrible treatment, lack of respect . . well that's just something for another post.
So 5 years past.
I decided it was high time I went back to school.
I was not one of those special people that wanted retail as a way of life.
So I enter into a business management program.
Being that I always wanted to be a photographer I figured this would at least teach me the skills necessary for that path.
I aced it.
It was hard work.
Living on a student loan was B-R-U-T-A-L.
But I did it.
Upon completion it hit again - what now?
The sounds of an office job was simply dreadful.
I was used to interacting with the public, not hiding away by myself.
What happened?
Back to retail; this time as a manager.
Good grief.
There are adequate words.
I had to play my cards well.
I knew I would only be happy taking photos.
Simple as that.
So at 27 I looked at things long and hard - enough was enough.
I absolutely was not prepared to give up my only dream so that others wouldn't think I was crazy.
I've heard it all.
Lack of security; lack of retirement funds; lack of benefits . . . blah, blah, friggin blah!
Good grief.
It's called working just as hard for yourself as you do for a job that gives nothing back.
It's called going to a bank and setting up an RRSP.
And you can even call an insurance company and pay for benefits.
Imagine that.
*Note sarcasm*
For me it's financial independence.
There's no one going to take my job away from me, but me.
I paid for my benefits at work, still didn't have a retirement plan and could have lost said job at any time. As we know, today, there's no real job security. Cut backs happen. Everywhere.
So I started buying equipment.
Taking any workshop I could get my hands on.
Buying several books.
Built up my determination as if I were taking on the world single handed.
Did a little research and turned what others seen as lemons, into very sweet lemonade.
I have been away from the retail world for 3 months and have never been happier.
I launched my photography a few months ago and it's been a slow go.
I still have a lot to learn; no doubt I will always be learning new things.
The most important thing is I'm finally living for me.
No one else. Just me.
I will have utter independence.
Financial security.
Medical, dental benefits and even life insurance.
RRSP to cushion this bum into the golden years.
And not through someone else.
Because I made a choice.
A choice that others allow fear to stop them from making.
Not me.
I'll stumble.
I'll fall.
I may fail at some things.
But I'll make it.
Not for spite.
Not for anyone else.
Just for me.
Just to show that my dream is mine to live.
That it will allow me to be successful and happy.
To me that's all life is about anyway.
Health, love and happiness.
What more can we ask for?
There are two quotes I keep repeating to myself when I feel myself slipping back into self doubt:
"You've got what it takes, but it'll take everything you've got"
"Dear past; thanks for all the lessons. Dear future; I'm ready"
You only live once; live it well and live it for your own happiness. Even if you have children who you always put first; remember, if you're not truly happy, it reflects onto them - don't let your unhappiness change the people they have the potential to become!
-T-
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